I watched one of those videos on Facebook the other day where two men are trying to free an elk from a mud hole. The poor creature’s legs were mired and it could not get free. Even though it was trapped and exhausted from trying and trying to climb out, it roused enough energy to attack by swinging its formidable set of antlers around whenever they came near to help. They tried pushing and pulling and using sticks and making planks and nothing worked. Sometimes they seemed to make it worse and hurt it in the process. Partly because the elk was stuck so deep. Partly because of the grip of the mudhole. Partly because the animal was so tired. But a big part was because it was so frightened and would not permit ‘help’. And for good reason! Much of the time when someone (or something) got that close to a vulnerable elk, the intent was to harm.
After one man was gouged by a swipe of the antlers, they both kept their distance better. Eventually they lassoed the antlers, and pulled. I imagine that did not feel very good for the elk, but it did work. As soon as it was free, all three of them ran like crazy, the elk with the ropes still attached.
We are kinda like that elk when it comes to getting unstuck. We keep trying to get free over and over and it doesn’t work and we get exhausted. We unwittingly do things that make our situation worse and not better. And heaven help anyone who makes a suggestion or tries to help. We lash out, swiping and gouging and defending and attacking. Not because we’re all jerks. Because their ‘help’ doesn’t feel safe.
I’ve been in a few situations over the years where close friends notice things like this and we vow to one another that we’re going to be super honest about where we see each other ‘stuck’ and doing the wrong thing, and needing help. We all nod our heads and agree, but then when the time comes, we don’t actually do it. We might, perhaps, tip-toe close to a critique or suggestion of a person’s blind spots and faults, but one big swing of their head towards us and we scamper away, offering instead positive assurances. Again, for good reason! Why risk hurting someone or getting hurt? That doesn’t feel very safe or very much like a win. Not one bit.
This is a problem because we really need to be able to see ourselves, and others, a little more objectively if we’re going to get unstuck. We need to be able to recognize when we are sabotaging our freedom. But because it messes with our sense of safety, its super hard. We aggressively resist assistance from the outside because it doesn’t feel safe. So people keep their distance. People who care will not help, or will help from a distance because it doesn’t feel safe. We are all just trying to keep safe and distance helps. Even before Covid 19.
And that leaves us mired in mud. How do we get past our reflexive need to stay safe by swinging our big antler-laden head towards someone who is trying to help?
Well that’s the question we need to explore. And the very first step is to acknowledge that the image of that elk might be a fairly representative image of what we’re like. Muse on that.
And if you get stuck, call me. I can help.